Category: News

The festive season is nearly upon us, and holiday orders are now open! Our Winter Wonderland Collection includes the Frosty Pole in a snowy white finish, the Reindeer Tower with real antlers (not real), and a Santa Hat for the Sky Citadel.

Order by 12 December for delivery before the 25th, or by 20 December if you pay for Super Express. For those who wait, we offer a gift certificate, folded very small and placed in the stocking by a person who is slightly ashamed. From all of us here, thank you, and remember: scratch responsibly.

Friends, I am thrilled to announce the Dazzler Loyalty Club, a rewards programme for our most devoted customers. For every 10 dollars spent you earn one Dazzle Point, and for every 100 Dazzle Points you earn a hearty handshake from me.

Members also receive early access to sales, a birthday coupon and a small laminated card with my picture on it. The Gold tier unlocks a free post at 500 points, which at current prices is about 4,000 dollars. We think that is an excellent goal. Our accountant thinks we are mad.

The Emporium is voluntarily recalling the Ascendancy 3.1 metre model, after it was discovered that the pole in question extends slightly higher than the standard ceiling. Customers who purchased this model should call us immediately, or look up.

We have received 11 reports of the pole going through the plaster, and one of it going through a loft. No cats were hurt, but one was seen sitting in the attic, wearing an expression of great self satisfaction. A replacement 2.9 metre pole is available at no cost. We apologise, and we are told the attic is lovely.

Friends, we have signed our biggest endorsement yet. Pierre, a local pigeon of considerable standing, has agreed to appear in our upcoming campaign. Pierre does not scratch, owns no cat and has no use for a post. But he has charisma.

The shoot took place on the showroom windowsill. Pierre sat on a scratching tower for 14 seconds before being removed by a cat who objected to the casting. His fee was a handful of seeds. The advert will air on the shop’s own noticeboard, in the entrance, from October. Enquiries about Pierre’s availability should be directed to the windowsill.

Friends, neighbours, felines of every size, the Scratch Post Emporium has reopened its doors after a six day refit! The new showroom features 14 display towers, a lighting rig I built myself, and a ribbon cutting ceremony that went wonderfully until the ribbon was eaten.

To celebrate, every post in store is 15 percent off for the first 48 hours. That is right, 15 percent! And if you buy two, I will personally wave at you from behind the till. Come down, come in, and bring a cat. Preferably yours. Preferably not mine.